An Open Letter to the Cthulhu Cult Nextdoor
Good ectoplasmic membranes make good neighbors
To Our Lovely Neighbors,
We met only briefly and that meeting was…unsettling. Nevertheless, I need to lodge a complaint.
I say “complaint”. More of a niggle, really.
I’m afraid the cloud that began over your home and drifted to cover ours ruined our outdoor gathering on Saturday the 9th. That cloud rained blood and offal on me and sixty-two invited guests for the better part of an hour.
Sadly, being pelted by viscera and black pus wasn’t the only indignity attendees suffered that day.
No one appreciates bioluminescent, free-floating tumescent polyps as much as me, but come on. It was a bat mitzvah, and the rabbi was upset by your eldritch shenanigans.
I’d be willing to write off the…inclement weather were it not for the hooded figures seen chanting on your lawn. This was, I’m guessing, not an impromptu affair. I say that based on your sacrifice of an albino two-headed goat. An albino two-headed goat is not something you pull out of your ass, am I right? Not on a Saturday. Not this far outside the city.
Also, while I have you…
My wife is allergic to shellfish. While there may be no overlap between your average shrimp and the gibbering amphibioids wandering your property, we must be cautious. The sight of my missus with her eyes purple and swollen shut is, I promise you, far worse than any of your “unnameable” horrors.
So, we’d appreciate it if you could go easy on the fishmen.
I understand you’re on a mission. When you say, “We rend the universe and grant entry to the Elder Gods from Outside Space”, I say “You do you.” I’m merely suggesting the Elder Gods from Outside Space will still be there during regular business hours — i.e. not during my niece’s joyous coming of age.
Respectfully,
Ira Vogel DPM (Doctor of Podiatric Medicine)
P.S. To accentuate the positive: The near-constant chanting that emanates from beneath your splendid home is — while soul-shattering — impressive in its execution. Kellyanne and I both think so.